Questions that parents often ask me are: How can I get my child to be brave? How can I get my child to try new things? How can I get my child to sleep in their own bed? While the answer to these questions are quite simple, dealing with your child’s meltdowns, crying spells, or tantrums can be difficult in the moment. It can be very scary and overwhelming for your child to overcome the negative thoughts they may be having about a particular trigger. It is important to acknowledge and validate their feelings about the fear because it feels very real to them. Saying things like “you will be fine” or “it will be OK” are common phrases that parents use. However, you may find that your child is still scared. One of the common reasons these reassurance phrases do not work is because the child needs to be able to reassure themselves. You will not always be physically present and standing next to your child to remind and reassure your child of their strengths. Therefore, the child must be able to reassure themselves in difficult situations when you are not around, such as at school.
What you can do:
You can have your child say aloud the fear that they are experiencing and encourage them to come up with a positive twist to that statement. Strong-willed children tend to believe things that they say themselves rather than what and authority figure says. Different contexts have different demands, and your child will need to be able to adapt to these demands by changing the way they perceive situations. You have probably already realized that you cannot control or change other people. It is important that we guide children to view challenges as opportunities and change as a chance to grow! Many children do not like change. What about reflecting on any of your contributions to the fears by asking yourself if you are enabling any of the behaviors? For example, if you are personally anxious about something, your child may also notice this and develop an aversion to it. Another example would be when parents engage in prolonged goodbyes when separating from their children. This can contribute to separation anxiety—it is best to keep goodbyes concise. If your child is not sleeping in their own bed because they are scared, give them coping skills to use at bedtime. An example would be creating a worry jar where they can draw pictures of their fears and talk about it with you. Then they can place the picture in a jar and the jar will hold onto the fear, so they don’t have to. If your child still gets up in the middle of the night and crawls into your bed, it is important for you to walk them back to their own bed each time. I know that means interrupted sleep for you initially, but it can be worth it in the long run. They need to see that you are not going to enable and coddle. Through a combination of positive self-talk and boundary setting, your child will be on their way to experiencing the benefits that come from being brave. When children demonstrate courage and see that they were able to get through it, it improves their self-confidence and self-efficacy. And isn’t that a main goal of parenting? To create confident and courageous children who can go out into the world and thrive! If you are experiencing problems getting your child to overcome anxiety and fear, contact Moody Counseling today and Dr. Chelsea Moodie will walk you through the process step-by-step!